This satiric gem has been whizzing around the Hebrew-speaking online world for weeks. Finally, someone had the energy to translate it it into English.

Monday, November 20, 2006

It is a rainy night and we are at Tel Hashomer Hospital. Only one assistant is around, named Shmiel. He is on night duty tonight in the room of “sleeping” former PM Sharon.

Everybody, but Sharon himself, knows he is no longer the Prime Minister of Israel. Shmiel is sitting peeling an apple and G the Shaba”k agent is nodding off. Suddenly, all the machines start to beep. The PM is waking up!

Sharon says, “I haven’t slept like that for a long time! Get me [Reuven] Adler, I have some ideas for a new direction.”

Shmiel says, “Good morning, sir. How do you feel?”

Sharon answers, “I am dying of hunger. Where am I?”

The shabak agent continues to sleep while Shmiel explains to Sharon what had happened to him.

Sharon does not take him seriously and says, “So tonight you fooled with the PM, eh Shmiel?”

Shmiel says, “Sorry sir but you are really no longer the PM.”

After a few minutes Sharon asks, “So who replaced me?”

Shmiel answers, “Ehud Olmert.”

Sharon reacts, “Olmert? That Jerusalemite putz? What will happen if war breaks out, he does not know how to run the army! At least Shaul [Mofaz] is still there!”

Shmiel answers, “Mofaz is the Minister of Transportation.”

“So who is the Defence Minister?”

Shmiel says, “Peretz.”

“That old man is still alive?!” asks Sharon in wonderment.

Shmiel whispers trembling, “not Peres, Peretz. Amir Peretz.“

“What? Are you crazy? I close my eyes for a minute and you guys let a labor leader take over the defence of the country?! Not all the factories in Dimona are the same. Does he know that? Listen, get Omri here right away. He will fix everything.”

“Sorry sir, Omri is on his way to jail.”

“Jail?? for that shtus? I do not believe it. So get me my lawyer quickly. Get Klagsbald.”

Shmiel responds, “Klagsbald is on his way to jail.”

Sharon calms down and says, “I knew I could count on Klagsbald. he will get Omri out of it.”

Shmiel corrects him and says, “No, sir. Klagsbald is also on his way to jail. He was driving and not paying attention and caused an accident unintentionally running over and killing a young woman and her son.”

Sharon said, “So bring me [Avigdor] Yitzchaki. He always knows how to fix these situations.”

“Sorry, sir. Yitzchaki is under his own investigation for tax fraud. He fixed things too much this time.”

“Can’t be. I know Yitzchaki. They must be framing him. So get me the Head of Police.”

“Sorry, sir, but Karadi is in investigation.”

“Of course he is. He is the head of police. I am sure he is in the middle of a number of investigations!”

“No, sir. The SIS an investigation against him!”

Sharon takes a deep breath. It can’t be. The whole justice system has been ruined! We must get them out of this. Get me the minister of Internal Security, Tzachi [Hanegbi].“

“Sir, Hanegbi has been indicted for fraud, bribery and job fixing.He is not a minister any more.”

“So get me the Justice Minister. Who did Olmert appoint?”

“Haim Ramon”

“So get him here!”

“Sorry sir. I can’t. He has been indicted and is on trial for misconduct.”

“What? So get me the president. That is still Katzav, right?”

“Sorry sir, but Katzav is under investigation as well, for misconduct and wire-tapping.”

“So get me the Chief of Staff, Boogie [Moshe Ayalon]. Sorry I mean Halutz, right?”

“Sir, he got into some trouble in the Lebanon War. Nothing criminal. He sold some stocks. He will soon be giving testimony to an investigative committee.”

“Halutz?? he was a young Piper pilot during the Lebanon War!”

“Sir, that would be the second Lebanon War, while you were sleeping. We… how should I say? We lost the war but the PM said we should be patient, victory is coming.”

Sharon looked around his room. “What is your name and what is your position?”

“Shmiel, sir. I am a hospital attendant.”

“Ok, Shmiel. Do not tell anyone about this conversation.”

“You can count on me, sir.”

“I am going back to sleep.”

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Ariel Sharon wakes up…(satire) | discarded lies – hyperlinkopotamus

Ariel Sharon wakes up…(satire)

Posted by guest author: Right Wing Conspirator at November 28, 2006 10:32 PM

What If Ariel Sharon Woke Up Today?

This satiric gem has been whizzing around the Hebrew-speaking online world for weeks, perhaps even months. Finally, someone had the energy to translate it it into English. Thanks are due to the crew at the Life in Israel blog for …

Posted by allisonks at November 27, 2006 8:19 PM

Haveil Havalim #95 – Thanksgiving Edition

“Hinei ma tov uma na’im shevet achim gam yachad.” “Behold, how good and how pleasant it is to be united like brothers and sisters in one family and one community.” — Psalm 133:1. Folks, I am pleased to host this edition of Haveil …

Posted by Smooth at November 26, 2006 4:01 PM

]]> http://ratcatcher2.wordpress.com/2008/10/18/what-if-ariel-sharon-woke-up-today/feed/ 0 ratcatcher2 http://ratcatcher2.wordpress.com/2008/10/04/world-jewish-population-grows-by-70000/ http://ratcatcher2.wordpress.com/2008/10/04/world-jewish-population-grows-by-70000/#comments Sat, 04 Oct 2008 10:59:31 +0000 ratcatcher2 http://ratcatcher2.wordpress.com/?p=26 ]]>

World Jewish population grows by 70,000

Natural population growth in Israel that was partially cancelled out by negative growth in the Diaspora resulted in a net increase in the past year of 70,000 Jews, according to data released Thursday by the Jewish Agency ahead of Rosh Hashana.

• There are 13.3 million people around the world who define themselves as Jewish and who do not belong to any other faith.

Jewish Agency Chairman Ze’ev Bielski said the data proved that a “tangible danger of assimilation was hanging over the Jewish people.”

The survey was conducted by Prof. Sergio Della Pergola from the Jewish People Policy Planning Institute and the Harman Institute of Contemporary Jewry at the Hebrew University.

Over the past year, the Jewish population in Israel grew by 85,000, while there was a decrease of 15,000 in the Diaspora.

There are 5.55 million Jews in Israel and 7.75 million in the Diaspora, meaning 41.3% of World Jewry now resides in the Jewish state.

• The United States is next, with 5.3 million Jews, or 39.8%, then

• France with 490,000,

• Canada with 375,000,

• Britain with 295,000,

• Russia with 215,000 (340,000 in the entire FSU),

• Argentina with 183,000,

• Germany with 120,000,

• Australia with 107,000 and

• Brazil with 96,000.

There are about 1.5 million people in North America who are either Jews married to a non-Jew or are the offspring of a mixed Jewish-non-Jewish couple. According to the Jewish Agency, this is proof that assimilation is growing.

Bielski said the agency would

“step up its efforts to provide Jewish education in Diaspora communities and to strengthen the Jewish identity of the new generation and tighten the ties between Israel and the Diaspora.”

Other data released by the agency:

• There is one Jew living in Afghanistan,

• 95 countries have 100 or more Jews,

• there are 11 million people living in the US who are eligible for automatic citizenship under the Law of Return, and

• another million in the FSU.

Sep 25, 2008 15:01

By MATTHEW WAGNER